1. Still fighting with kaiser. it insane. I have never seen a company this disorganized. Oh and you know my insurance card they took a copy of 3 times? It's lost & no longer on my file. I am in the middle of packing all my shit. I have no idea where that card is. Plus I hid it from myself after i came home from my last er visit cause i was tired of hurting myself. and charity services never called back

Is there some kind of law that states if a person or company doesn't bill you for services
rendered for a prolonged amount of time, the consumer shouldn't be held responsible to the debt?



2. The botox office pretty much refused to give the records, i gave them, without some bull shit fee. I need to call and check up on that tomorrow. I had to yell at some supervisor bitch

3. juilaisg0d: a collection agency callled me today
juilaisg0d: and i made my sister answer right?
juilaisg0d: an we actually sound alot alike
juilaisg0d: her dudes always get us mixed up
juilaisg0d: so shes like oh shes not here
juilaisg0d: click
juilaisg0d: he calls back
juilaisg0d: annoymously
juilaisg0d: an left me a vmail saying
juilaisg0d: "THIS IS STEVE IT IS PRETTY PATHETIC YOU HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE SOMEBODY ELSE CAUSE YOU DONT WANT TO PAY A BILL
juilaisg0d: I KNOW IT WAS YOU how
juilaisg0d: LOW CAN YOU GO TO ACTUALLY HIDE FROM SOMEBODY ON YOUR OWN PHONE
juilaisg0d: I KNOW ITS YOU ITS YOUR PHONE
juilaisg0d: you are trash
juilaisg0d: click
juilaisg0d: my phone is prepaid its not even in my name

I'm still trying to figure out a way to get the voice mail off my phone and on the computer.



I AM SO SICK OF HAVING TO YELL AT PEOPLE. JESUS CHRIST. I may die from a heart attack.

I hate yelling. i hate feeling like a bitch.

here are some pictures of my sisters new baby small kitty






its a small kitty and i love her.

Sometimes people have no tact.

I'm buying this for a magnet for my new fridge, you know as soon as I get a new fridge

Yeah it must of been stress. I went to bed at 8:30 last night & just now woke up.

I would really like to eat at the original pancake house before i leave.

i'm totally making a list of restaurants i want to eat at in austin. This is how sick my list love affair has gotten with lists. I mean i am going to be living in austin not visiting, do i really need a restaurant list? yes. I guess i do.

Ninja did so well at the vets today. Usually he is an escape artist, and cries, but no he handled it all very well. He got all of his yearly shots, his health cert and tranquillizers for 73. I could of skipped the yearly shots & just got the rabies and i would saved 40 but the shots were so cheap. I was very proud of him. The vet only gave me 3 tranquillizers,. So I hope it is enough. I just bought his carrier, and i got the tallest one i could get, and it still is a little small. ugh. Ninja also weighed in at 14 pounds. He is a big boy. He isnt fat though just "tall?" & the vet said this is a good sign that ninja isnt freaking out while being in distress, i dont know the bag is so small, and i have to take him out for security and put him back in.

This totally sucked

wholesaleTina (2:21:15 PM): I was wondering where you were
stephaniemgill (2:21:25 PM): fucking botox
stephaniemgill (2:21:27 PM): i cried
stephaniemgill (2:21:36 PM): an he told me im getting more spastic
wholesaleTina (2:21:37 PM): aww
stephaniemgill (2:21:42 PM): and i dont understand
stephaniemgill (2:21:49 PM): because im doing my weights
stephaniemgill (2:21:53 PM): doing my diet
stephaniemgill (2:21:56 PM): swimming
stephaniemgill (2:22:02 PM): carry goceries on that hand
wholesaleTina (2:22:11 PM): yeah, but isn't part of it stress related?
wholesaleTina (2:22:15 PM): and you've had a bit of that
wholesaleTina (2:22:22 PM): between shane and money issues and moving
stephaniemgill (2:22:28 PM): yeah you can get more spastic if your stressed
stephaniemgill (2:22:33 PM): it just sucks
wholesaleTina (2:22:36 PM): yeah
stephaniemgill (2:22:37 PM): he says that
stephaniemgill (2:22:47 PM): but doesnt give me any info on how to fix
stephaniemgill (2:22:48 PM): it
stephaniemgill (2:22:55 PM): it hurt so bad this time
stephaniemgill (2:23:01 PM): an i screamed shit
stephaniemgill (2:23:03 PM): rofl
wholesaleTina (2:23:10 PM): maybe it's one of those things that they can recommend but its based on an iindividual basis
wholesaleTina (2:23:13 PM): I'm sorry dear
wholesaleTina (2:23:22 PM): I hate for you to be in pain
stephaniemgill (2:23:56 PM): yeah
stephaniemgill (2:24:05 PM): hes like ive never seen you in this much pain
stephaniemgill (2:24:13 PM): im like oh that makes me feel better
stephaniemgill (2:24:20 PM): since this year im really trying
stephaniemgill (2:24:25 PM): whatever
wholesaleTina (2:24:34 PM): it's gotta be the stress

i am injured and sore bleh. My boss has been away all week, so thats been nice though

WHAT IS LOVE BABY DONT HURT ME ANYMORE. i hate that even when im blocking out stress in my mind, my body still feels it though,

Man, Sometimes i really hate my sister. I'm like damn my $1,000 would be nice right now.
I know I can start working towards having that saved again in Texas & i'm trying really hard to be logical and realistic about my expectations, but i really feel by the beginning of september, I should be set up with my own place(or starting to move into it) in the area i want and some furniture. Because thats really a little over a month from the time i arrive. & im looking at getting another little part time job when im down there, so i can keep the job i have now, but make more money. Plus i think it would really make me happy to be out in the working field again, and i know that if i find something close to lauras, she will help me out with transportation + plus she needs extra money an round rock has the cat bus thing, and it is alot easier to get on the vegas..

i think these feelings are just arising cause im packing and moving and having to give up alot of stuff, I know its all replaceable but im not made of money & i really did go without to save that money, i mean i was always taken care of, but i never bought clothes or got my nails done, or bought shoes.

Am I a mean horrible person because im taking my kitty on an airplane for a long time.

I couldnt find any direct flights to texas because of the cost of airline fuel.

so i leave vegas at 1:21
and arrive in texas at 11:11 pm (9:11 pm vegas time)

is that rude to do to my cat :( or to the other people if he freaks out. My mom just yelled at me. I mean im not thrilled with the idea, but im getting him tranquilizers, and trying to make sure hell be comfortable as i can. Hopefully if he he has to go potty he goes potty.

i feel so bad. she told me i was really mean and that was torture.

in other news my boss shorted me 20dollars. fuck.

Sometimes I feel like I have nobody in my life that i can trust

Lately I have been asking myself "Did you do everything you could do, to make your life in Vegas work? to succeed?"

Infact this question is everywhere in this house, in suitcases, in pictures, in empty bottles, in the dark before i fall asleep, in the sheets when i wake up. in the water, and in shadows.

The only answer I can come up with that is halfway honest is "Sometimes, I tried really hard"

I always reach this level of intensity, when i choose to close a path, a direction, and start all over somewhere else on this map called "Stephanie's life" because as much as i dont mind starting over, I want to make sure, that everything ive learned, ive fought for, comes with me. so i question everything.

& in my head, What started with a boy, should end with the boy" There was alot left unsaid, So I said it, I never knew how hurt I really was until i typed the words 'fuck you left me..." then I felt it.

It was honestly a relief, to be able to communicate effectively with him, stand my ground, not loose my cool, not play the blame game, and to be able to act like a woman with a spineful of grace under the most intense subject.

but sometimes I dont have any of the answers, and I guess sometimes there are no answers. I was glad I had the courage to express to him, and more importantly to myself. But in the end.

What can you really do? besides accept it and move on? I didnt want to fight him, I shouldn't have too. & honestly we have the same exact fears, of what could happen. I just handle my fears differently then him, I run towards them, I acknowledge them, then i beat them. & it felt so silly to be so scared of Shane, I mean really what can he do to me? that I dont allow him to do to me? Not a god damn thing. & I am not the same woman he knew, & honestly his decisions are just that. his. They really have nothing to do with me. & i know i try really hard to be a good person, to live to the fullest, I know i am intelligent, and that i usually have the best intentions, so really its his loss. I try really hard to believe that he has changed as much as I have.

I guess it is easier to put failures in a box, people you lose, then it is to open pandoras box. I am not into easy things.

It was good though to feel like he was finally hearing me out, & to hear some of his opinions.
and to do it all without causing WW3 and to be able to talk with my head held high.

& I wasnt even sure what was the outcome I wanted , all I knew was i had two choices, ignore his existence, or just be brave and tell him how i was feeling & i wasnt even sure how i was feeling until i began to write. So I wrote.

There was a few times, when I would read something he would write, and I would be like 'oh shit, I cant do this with him, im not ready. im not ready to feel vanuerable, to allow him in, he is just going to hurt me to lie to me.. it means nothing" But then I did it anyways and as gracefully and as painlessly as i could.


While I may not always agree with him. I do respect him. & honestly my life is good. Im fine without him. I just choose to acknowledge the bond we have.

I do really want to work on my fear with getting into a serious relationship, and not push men away just because he left, doesnt mean other men will. and i agree with the choice he made to leave. I just hoped he would be back. but it is ok if he doesnt. I tried. i conquered that fear.

& preston got alot of this fear i would tell him, "we could just stay friends forever, then there will be no bad break up, and we could always be friends an be in each other lives regardless, and we wouldnt hurt each other"

but i know since i understand the beginning, that i had to go through this, to be the woman i am today, that in the end i hopefully use everything i learned, for a successful relationship.

So i feel about 20 pounds lighter, & i feel like a smart capable woman. I do deserve to be with my friends that have allowed me to change, to grow, and not to judge me. I do deserve unconditional love & friendship.

Anyways.
Laura was in the hospital on the 4th!!! :(

I Need to go pack.

HEHEHEHEHE

i really want to buy this



It will make traveling with ninja so much easier especially with the lay overs, and its an 8 hour flight.

I LOVE IT.

yeah i may be sick.

I am way too happy right now, to deal with the hospital.

I dig my Realtor. He is fast and efficient.

/feels grown up.

Dear Stephanie's mind,

The reason you give so freely, that sometimes you overwhelm yourself, and guilt yourself over it, is because people give so freely to you.

Ie the very nice woman, who barely spoke any english, who was driving a brand new mustang, who saw me struggling to even carry my groceries to the hill, gave me a ride home, she didnt even ask how far i lived until she made sure my arm was ok. and everything was in the car. She declined any money, and offered to help me do it again, for free. there has been countless other times, when rich people, poor people, every type of person has offered me help. wether or not i took it, was just based on my stubbornness that day.

Pay it forward it always comes back.

love
Stephanie's heart.

Maybe ill write a story about it.

Dealing with kaiser(hospital) tomorrow. wish me luck.

Back in November i had to go the er in L.a. i pinched some nerves in my back, but was freaking out, due to the lost of sensation in my legs after 5 hours in the er, the dr just said to follow up with my neurology department. he didnt give me any medicine or run any tests. The hospital said once i get a bill turn it in to my insurance company, because they were too swamped to. & i was out of state resident

guess what i just got in the mail. 8 months later? MY FIRST ER BILL, and the charge to see the doctor who talked to me for 5 minutes. How is that even legal for them to wait so long? im 99% sure my insurance company wont even go that far back, WTF? of course ive been on hold with them waiting for a rep for the past 15 minutes.

fucking bills.

The only other thing i can think of is that maybe the bill went originally to shanes house. i think i may have wrote his physical adress as my own, just incase i was admitted. and the billing address as my one in nv? and he just didnt tell me about the bill.

ETA: yeah im screwed. Its too late.

I swear to fucking god im going to fucking hate shane forever if he got this fucking bill orginally and just didnt tell me WTF kind of shit is that?

i need to call the hospital now and yell at them, which i would if i could stop fucking crying.

and i know they are going to try to tell me they mailed it to shanes adress. HEY FUCKING thank you. I really wanted to be thousand more dollars in debt because you couldn't be fucking civil.

http://hugmetees.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/

i know one of you has to have some kind of groove macro

they added me on myspace & was like OMG A vegas raver.
im like wait, where?

help

does http://www.wantickets.com/EventDetail.aspx?e_id=40644 price include admission into to each venue or is that the cost just to get to the front of line admission, where they will then proceed to charge me a cover to get into the club? i cant figure it out :( i tried both websites. i never got to really go out ever after i turned 21, and i dont want to leave vegas without doing something.

and i really want to go to rain but i cant figure out the cover charge

i think im just going to go on saturday an see. then it wont be a dumb holiday, and i may get in for a reduced charge since im local, and a girl

i enjoy lists

TALK TO BOSS
pay lights 70 on the second
pay rent 555 on the second
buy ticket on the second
GET DIMENSIONS FOR CARRIER
Make sure they will have somebody with a wheelchair at all stops and i can go through handicapp security
buy more cell minutes
pay cox on the 9th 38
pay for birth control on the 10th 70
botox on the 11th @ 1:30
pay mike back 70 on the 11th
pay for ninjas shots/carrier on the 13th 125?
buy food/litter on the first
buy cleaning stuff 20
ask mom to pay off target and capital one and just make payments to her 1500
figure out what i'm going to eventually mail to texas and keep in vegas
boxes
swiffer refills
MISC SHIT i dont need
2 new bras
a swimming suit
bleach

attention: Sarah in Vegas

Lets hang out i have some money saved! we can go back to that little plaza and check out all the stores we didnt make it in to. or see a movie or something? i want to go on lots of adventures before i leave

ATTENTION: MIKE

i had tried to call my mom yesterday and my cell told me i was out of minutes, so i figured i was sol, and didnt pay attention to my cell at all yesterday because i thought it was out of minutes. and useless to me

sorry i missed the invite

If yall are getting into anything tonight let me know

Dear Stephanie's heart,

The cash you took out was to pay rent, you know the rents that due on the first. That you were barely scraping buy to pay. (PLUS YOUR ELECTRICITY WILL BE TURN OFF ON THE SECOND!!!)

I understand the guy that stopped you with his sister, was crying, and had a picture of his brother who died in a car cash holding a baby,

I understand they told you, they had no insurance.and no money to pay for the funeral

I understand your first thought after seeing the picture was, wait, how could he have died? he had a baby. Even though yourself has been close to death many times. and that the sad reality is that people like him die everybody.
I understand what he told you was feasible, considering the traffic, that the hospital is close.

I understand you still think about the guy whose car got stuck in the middle of the pole, and he had to call 911, and the guy didnt make it. He had known this about you, that you cant understand the way the world is, when it is like that. remember he pulled you away from the window a few times, so you would stop watching it, because somewhere underneath you
you still have a simple naiveness. so car crashes mess with you.

I understand you dont always get how ugly this world can be, no matter how ugly your own childhood was. So you want to give.

I understand that the only reason you had 20 dollars on you, to pick up a can of cat food, that you had change for was to make yourself feel less broke, some kind of reserve psychology.

I understand the 45 cents you had to dig around your apartment to find, felt rude to give.

But really, that 20 dollars was for rent. it wasnt to give to a strangers funeral.

Oh and I know about that dollar meal you bought for the homeless man yesterday.

When I think of a way to get you out of this mess, If I do.

You better stop bleeding love.

You dont make a zillion dollars a month.
you are behind 3 months on your last two credit cards.
You have to stop doing this.
or i really will make kris yell at you.


stop being so "sweet"
you dont have the money for it.
I am proud you got those other two homeless people on food stamps,
an explained that there was help out there though.
SRSLY
STOP IT.

Sincerely
Stephanie's logic.
aka brain

Ninja and I are moving to austin. on July 15th. It hit me that a bigger apartment isnt going to make me happy. I want my friends. I want to watch my friends kids get older. I want to use everything i learned this city, to building a life again in round rock/cedar park/austin. Everything i own can be replaced. I am ready to put myself out there and join the world again.
It is hard saying goodbye to the life ive had for 3 years. but nobody should feel stuck at 23.

I see myself getting my own place at the latest by the end of august. I want a place near a shopping center so i dont regress in my independence ive worked so hard for.

besides talking to my mom and laura

I talked to alot to kris. and i know she wants to see me succeed, an be independent, So i am putting her in charge of making sure i get the place i want, and save money, and pretty much make sure I dont fuck up. god knows shes been trying to help me with that since i was 11.

I know ive known to be flakey when i go to texas. I want to change this, i just dont drive.
the easiest way to have this happen is say " HEY STEPHANIE IM FREE THIS DATE im picking you up no excuses."

Then after my own place. i want to get my drivers license. i can drive. i just need to practice and work up confidence. So if anybody wants to do that for some money or something let me know.

Then maybe love.

p.s. money doesnt mean shit, if you dont have the people you love in your life.